Star host Granulated Cuthbert meets the Harkatthem family, and hears tales of a Cloud God and millipedes.
Hello and welcome to this week’s ‘Redesigning Designing an already redesigned house,’ with me, Granulated Cuthbert.
This week we look to renovate a stunning cloud based home here in the Sky City of Gasses.
So what do the ‘Harkatthem,’ family desire? Let us find out.
“Hi, family. What are we after this week? We could knock down walls for through rooms and open spaces. Again. Or perhaps we can install more mirrors to create the illusion of yet more space in your already massive spacious home. Hang on! I have a thought bomb…BOOM! It’s here! Little baby is going to be out of nappies in no time so we could turn the nursery into a chill out come young adults room, that even mum and dad could enjoy. ‘What da ya say?”
“Hey thanks for having us on, Granulated. Love the show. Well actually, we want to improve the nursery, make it fit for a great many years. Hehe, and you know, to withstand all the damage the little ones do,” replied Hank Harkatthem.
“Oh hey, do I hear the pattering of more tiny feet?”
“Really? We did have a millipede infestation recently, but I thought we dealt with that. Honey?”
“Hi, I’m Honey ‘Harkathem.’ Uh yes darling, we had the exterminators around last year. Or rather I did. If I’d waited for you, we’d have been consumed in a sea of arthropods. The exterminator said they’d tracked and counted all the millipedes and killed them on mass. It was practically genocide. One million legs, gone.”
“Well then Mr Cuthbert, it’s not millipedes you can hear, thank ye celestials. By the way, that was actually a thousand millipedes slaughtered. Not that many really, if you think about it. Just seems odd to count it in legs, did they charge us for limb incineration or the actual millipedes Honey?”
“Oh here he goes, showing me up again this time on multiverse TV!” bit back Honey.
“Anyway moving swiftly on, please. You misunderstand me. Are you having more babies, given the all in on the nursery renovation idea?”
“God no. It’s just that she’s immortal you see, forever eighteen months old. It’s no wonder I’m tense. We’ll be exhausted by the time we’re dead. I’m hoping to go first.”
“That makes two of us.”
“Shit, so, hang on, sorry to cut over the tension. The baby is immortal? Like actually, eh, are you both?”
“No we’re not immortal. I’m certainly not although my wife’s desire to ruin my life is eternal, it seems.”
“So you will have to spend the rest of your living days nursing this...adorable little baby?”
“Yeah, great isn’t it if that’s your thing.”
“Is it your thing?”
“May I ask how this happened?”
“I’ll answer this one, dearest hubby. Yes, you see Hank here got drunk one night, just after we moved here into the City of Gasses. We moved due to my constantly offending family, friends and neighbours, some passers-by and the occasional authority. I mean, they were all entirely wrong about everything and once I’d explained that to them, patiently and repeatedly, well, they lacked the humility to apologise so we had to leave. Anyway, all was well here. Hank had a fine job and I was keeping him in line, which is a full time job in itself. But then he got into an argument on a works night out, with an immortal cloud God, who he remarkably challenged to a rain summoning dual. Hank can’t summon rain, cloud God’s can as I’m sure you know. I was the down payment. A night with his wife. Muggins here. He traded me like a cheap nothing. So, I saw it through, otherwise we’d be ruined. It just so happened to be one of the best nights of my life. But I also didn’t appreciate cloud God’s were impervious to contraceptives.”
“Right, I see. That explains the white wispy hair on your daughter there.”
“Precisely. So? Can you do it or not, the renovation?’
“Ah yes, of course, easy. No trouble at all. We’ll reinforce the walls, soundproof them, get some twirly shit and lob that up and cloud God’s your uncle…well, not in this case but you understand…sorry.”
“Fine, I’ll leave you in the incapable hands of my husband. Try not to speak to him. He’s a twat. I’ll be back for part two. I’ll check the standard of the work during the commercial break. If I’m not pleased, well, your viewers will hear all about it. For I, have notepads and my own after show podcast. Plus a direct line to complaints.”
“Hank, now Honey has left. I have to ask, what did you stand to win in that bet?”
“I couldn’t win. I wanted to lose. The cloud God was supposed to take her with him and raise their immortal offspring into its ‘forever adulthood.’ I’d be free to re-join my friends and family on the surface. That was the deal. But after sleeping together, they got to talking. Well, Honey got talking.”
“There is no and, Honey got to talking, the God got to leaving.”